LE TORCHON PARISIEN

lundi 19 juin 2006
par  Antoinette Barrion
popularité : 4%

Ce conte se déroule au début des années 80 dans le triste quartier Chevaleret sur la pente entre l’église Sainte Jeanne d’Arc édifiée vraisemblablement dans les années 50, grisâtre, tassée sur elle-même. Les vitraux, hideux, représentent une petite montagne.

Prenons quelques instants pour regarder les lieux : la station de métro Glacière, réfrigérante à souhait. En dépit du marché qui anime les lieux de temps à autre, l’ensemble composé de tours ou d’immeubles modestes des années 60, respire une atmosphère morne, étriquée, toute petite bourgeoise, mortelle. Heureusement, le souvenir de Léo Malet, notre immortel écrivain anarchiste règne dans le quartier et lui confère une certaine humanité. Le métro aérien fut récemment refait à neuf, quelques bureaux exquisément avant-gardistes permettent aux habitants du quartier une vie quotidienne décente.

Notre héros, Jean Dezkan, architecte Diplômé Par Le Gouvernement, vit dans un vaste studio au 5ème étage, encombré de livres - son grand-père était Professeur à l’Université. Une vaste planche à tréteaux, son outil de travail, trône au milieu de l’appartement. Dans la journée, il exerce son art dans une petite agence dirigée par une harpie. Cette vie alimente sa légère neurasthénie. Pour se détendre le soir, il écoute Bartok et parfois du vrai jazz New-Orléans. Il parcourt de savants ouvrages de philologie, linguistique ou théorie de l’art abstrait. Ses rares amis apprécient son humour froid sans aigreur, son caractère érudit un peu distrait. Les imbéciles le jugent près de la folie, les autres trop sensible. Tous apprécient ses talents culinaires, seule manifestation d’une sensualité plus que discrète. Son physique ne le dessert pas : taille moyenne, silhouette bien découplée, le cheveu blond cendré, abondant et souple, l’œil bleu, la bouche large et la lèvre pleine, le nez fort chaussé de petites lunettes dignes de l’ami Trotski, effigie en vogue depuis ses conversations enfantines sur les genoux de son aïeul. Ses vêtements oscillent entre le velours côtelé et le chic anglais . Nous rencontrons ici le prototype de l’intellectuel de gauche, version austère.

Sa jeune voisine, nommons-la Cécile. Selon les dires de J. Dezkan : 25 ans, brune, piquante, vive, fraîchement débarquée de sa province 5 ans plus tôt, un peu solitaire, une à deux sorties par semaine. Son métier : kinésithérapeute, métier paramédical accablant. Elle réside au 3ème étage dans un trois pièces impeccable un peu mignard (ou cucu la praline, passez-moi l’expression). Quelques livres témoignent d’un réel appétit de culture, mais elle nourrit ses méninges plus facilement de reposantes âneries télévisuelles que des œuvres complètes de Kant.

L’un comme l’autre, ils entrent et sortent à heure fixe. Seuls habitants de l’immeuble âgés de moins de 50 ans, ils se saluent gentiment dans l’escalier un an durant. Un jour, conversation d’une visqueuse banalité entre eux. Lui, en pleine phase freudienne songe, au « non-dit » et elle à un baiser (l’amour, toujurs, mon troubadur !). A défaut, elle se lance sur son ignorance gastronomique. Notre homme, piqué au vif, lui prouvera dès demain son savoir en la matière. Ravie, elle rentre chez elle, rêve toute la nuit de layette bleue ou rose et du 4 pièces libres au 1er étage. Le lendemain soir, épuisée par son gagne-pain, elle sort plus tôt de son cabinet, passe chez le coiffeur, en ressort avec des frisottis grotesques, corrige l’ensemble à la hâte, s’enduit de cold cream élaborée grâce à nos chers requins, fait écologique maintenant reconnu dans toutes les grandes surfaces et leurs diverses fondations pour la nature. L’intérêt pour les adhérents : une minime exonération d’impôt et une remarquable bonne conscience.

Ce petit cours d’une navrante cuistrerie s’achève pour revenir aux affres de Cécile. A l’époque, elle ne connaît que la défense des bébés phoques. Dans l’affolement maximal, elle change quatre fois de robe et s’inonde de parfum. Prête avec une heure d’avance, elle téléphone à sa maman à La Rochelle, fait une réussite, tourne en rond puis, enfin, monte chez son voisin du 5ème étage. Elle le trouve aux fourneaux, joue les petits mitrons, accepte un tout petit verre de porto. Nos deux lascars s’esclaffent alors avec un rien d’affectation. Et, catastrophe planétaire, l’on découvre que J. Dezkan ne possède plus qu’un seul torchon. S’ensuit un dialogue d’une fascinante imbécillité. On constate les inattaquables qualités de maîtresse de maison de Cécile, son trousseau complet et sa tante brodeuse de napperons à Pithiviers. Elle lui offre son torchon le plus précieux, il lui prête quelques livres et ne concrétisent strictement rien charnellement..

J. Dezkan s’offre une psychanalyste qu’il déteste immédiatement, épouse par la suite Françoise, Docteur en Economie, cadre supérieur pour une compagnie aérienne, engendre une fille, Aurélie, ravissante et brillante. Eternel étudiant, il s’initie à l’urbanisme aux Ponts et Chaussées et devient architecte voyer pour la Ville de Paris. Françoise, généreuse, le soutient. Puis, elle-même fragilisée par un passé familial lourd, elle se lasse de la neurasthénie chronique et de l’ironie parfois mordante de son compagnon. Elle pousse le dévouement jusqu’à présenter une seconde femme à J. Dezkan. A 40 ans, il refait donc sa vie avec Anne, une jeune femme intelligente, jolie et chrétienne, pourvue de 2 enfants, affligée d’une mauvaise santé. Un nouvel héritier leur naît. Elle travaille dans l’édition, à plein-temps thérapeutique, ils se complètent parfaitement bien. De plus en plus sérieux avec les années, sa carrière s’étoffe. Il inflige maintenant à Aurélie des cours de religion israélite avec candélabre incorporé, le tout dans le 13 ème arrondissement.

Cette historiette ne prouve strictement rien, hormis la pérennité de la théorie des climats, ici circonscrite au plan du métro, la grande fierté de l ’Hexagone depuis Guimard et ses aériennes volutes.


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Brèves

22 septembre 2011 - Manifeste contre le dépouillement de l’école

A lire voire signer sur http://ecole.depouillee.free.fr Nous, collectif contre le (...)

20 avril 2010 - NON AUX RETOURS FORCES VERS L’AFGHANISTAN

A la suite du démantèlement du camp principal de Calais, le 22 septembre dernier, où résidaient (...)

31 juillet 2009 - PETITION POUR L’HOPITAL PUBLIC, A SIGNER ET FAIRE SIGNER

la pétition de défense de l’hôpital public, à faire signer au plus grand nombre possible (...)